This is the story of my life. I've had this thought in my head for a really long time now. It's going to, at first, be my first of an annual update on my current thoughts and the situation of my life. So let's begin.
April/2015
I continually think of my life in every aspect, and even though it annoys me, I know exactly why I do it. I think very deeply, 85% of the time I'm awake, but I get by just fine with my fickle train of thoughts. I like my passion for figuring out how the world works in direct relation with me, but many times things often head to a darker state. I like observing myself, to see what makes me behave the way I do, or to find a solution to my problems. In January, this same year, I've found that I was born left handed. It's a funny feeling, knowing that I've been using the wrong hand to do things for most of my lifetime.
I'm 22. I feel blessed to be born a Grenadian. I've begun to have more self respect as of lately, as well as recently learning that actions and words make me who I am - it’s never too late to learn. Every now and then I get a little bit wiser. I like eating healthy, and I have a growing dislike for processed foods, though, due to financial circumstances, I can only complain while such foods go down my throat.
The way I see life now, it’s very necessary to prioritize what’s important. Actions are greater than words. The present is more important than the future, and the future should be given more attention than the past. That’s how I prioritize things.
I've had a really dark "start" in life, needless to say, and I’m still dealing with the results of my past problems to this day. Not as much as before, thank god, however, it seems almost every month it gets me really down, in its sad sea of depression and melancholy. I've been living with anxiety since the age of 11. I became extremely depressed at age 14. I’m not happy with the way all the situations I've experienced led me to the person I am now. The thoughts of my past sting my soul like a gentle knife stab. My environment has been rampant with ignorant, negative people. It still is, but I don't blame them for who they are. We are all the victims of being born human on this planet called Earth. It is just the way things are.
I believe that for quite some time within the last 100 years, the world, especially within western society, is being conditioned. Conditioned into following various ‘role models’, ‘molds’, or idealized images of what humankind should be. If only more people were aware as I, or smart enough to realize the things I know. We are, even as I write this, being conditioned, from the first days of consciousness till death, by media, social cliques, society, pop-culture and a few other big time entities. The “story-tellers” as I like to call them. Currently, we are not being ourselves, because our minds are being overstimulated and filled with tons of useless information; stories upon stories of which most aren’t even true; our own personalities stripped away in the process. Intentional or not by the broadcasters, it is sad, especially since most aren’t even aware of it. Rarely we are given the chance to genuinely be ourselves. It seems as though we are all being ‘squeezed’ to fit into a universally followed discipline.
Humankind is being hit with expectations and rogue ideals, from everywhere. Many are quite ridiculous, both in nature and propagation. Others are very subtle, but I'm aware of the important ones. For those that aren't subtle, it is nice to see people rebelling against said systems. People need be only focus on reality to find their own way.
I must say though that in spite of being intelligent and wise, I am really lonely, deep inside. I blame my past, but I know better than to dwell on that alone. I'm always endeavoring to change; to improve myself and become a better man. I constantly fail at this. It’s all part of being human. Only I can change my situation, because no one else knows or mutually understands just how dear my life, my experiences, and my search for happiness is to me. Right now, I live for the moment, because I can't be bothered about anything else. Yet, the world’s distractions still get to me. It can’t be helped that I live in this ill world, always being exposed to the very things I dislike.
I wish someone with power and authority would speak out against the world we see today, for the right reasons. Sometimes I wonder if that person would be me. I breathe a deep sigh at that. More people should be aware; more should be rebelling... As much as I want to help, I’m only one amongst billions. Strange thing is, humans are the most intelligent species on the planet. One individual can really change the world, albeit for a short moment. Not as drastically as seen in movies, but it has been, and is possible. I would love to see the world change for the better, but such an ideal is overwhelmingly difficult.
I'm currently preparing for an exam week and then hopefully, I'll earn my certificate for Electrical Installation. Then learn skills for Refrigeration and Air Conditioning for a year, and take an advanced electrical course about a year or two later.
I feel that I should spread my wisdom and the things I know before I go to the grave, or else such information would be wasted.
And that's just who I am, for the moment.
